Father,
You are very polarized to me at the moment. You do great things for me, and they seem dramatic, often extreme, and undeniable. Then you come across most of the time as holding back on me, well, holding back on a lot of people really. A lot of people want you to step in to their situation just as much as I want you to step into mine.
You could heal me right now. I believe you have the power to, I think that you want to see me healed, I know that you know my confusion whether I want to hang around or not. I am not sure if I want to be healed. I know that if I am not healed, life has to get a damn-sight better if I am going to want to hang around. I am doing my best to change my thinking to be more positive, and making better life decisions, but you have your responsibilities too don’t you? Promises to come good on? My opinion, don’t let them talk about healing so much in the bible when it happens so infrequently – considering how much it doesn’t happen. I say these things, I admit, with limited understanding.
And the ‘hope we have in Christ”. I don’t think this is meant to be reserved for when we die. I think that hope should be rampant in our day to day living. Hope for healing, hope for restoration, hope for people’s minds, hearts and bodies to be hit hard by your compassion and healing. It happens, no doubt – I have seen it, heard about it and know it to be true. But you know that every day it doesn’t happen to me it just reenforces my thinking that I am not worthy enough to receive it. I know it goes against my head knowledge, and I do a lot to talk myself out of this thinking, but at the end of the day, there must be some reason you are holding back, and unless you change my circumstance by the end of the year, or my thinking, it is going to be a sad year. I have had enough of those you know. Just give me one freakin year where sadness is not the main emotion. No dammit, give me 40! You can! Why don’t you?
Otherwise this Velcade, both the drug and the expense is wasted. I die without it within a month or two, and with it, I live but with the underlying sadness that is more a part of me than anything else it would seem. Each day I need to decide to live, even when death seems like the most peaceful, wise, loving option. I sound like I am about to put down an injured farm animal.
So forgive me for not valuing this life you gave. It has sucked a lot of the time, and I have it good compared to a lot in this world – I have it very good. It is just that it is so difficult to see when I feel this way physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, vocationally, everything elsally.
I’ve looked forward to so many things all my life, waited in good faith for them. Waited on you. Some things have turned up, but generally I have wondered where you have been. I even wish you would give me as much attention as I give you. There would be hardly a waking hour when I am not talking with you, much to the entertainment of passers by on the street I would think.
Then I feel like I am the dumbass for wasting so much time trying to honour you in my decisions, yet having the decisions fly back in my face. I feel like I have wasted this life, and now I feel a pressure to do as much as I can in the year that I think I have. If I thought I found decisions difficult before, you should try making life decisions when life is apparently 12 months. A fetal elephant gets almost double that! My hip replacement should last 20 years- the body it is in owes it something, does it not?
Anyway, that is it for tonight Father. I just want you to heal me. I have had more than enough. Continual dying is driving me insane and occupies too much of my living time. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, I think that is bollocks. But if this is happening for a reason, I am still not necessarily seeing it at this point. Sure you have redeemed many aspects of my situation, but the final one would be complete healing. I am sure that would be more worth it for everyone to see and hear about. Imagine that.
Amen.
