16

Father – help me out  of this stress, it is a one way ticket out.  I know I walked into it somewhat, but now I can’t go on like this.  Please guide my steps.  Give me wisdom.

 

c

15

Love that I have never known.

Love that I have never shown.

Rises up like a phoenix out of the ashes.

Thank you Father for every good and perfect gift is from you.  This one is so good.

Thank you.

14

Thank you Father for what you have given me!

I never thought it would be possible for me to feel the way I do again.  The intensity, the lack of conditions, the excitement, the energy, the feeling of incredible love.

My body has everything to fight for now Father, and you have provided every good and perfect gift.  So I am thankful fur this, thankful for you.  I never thought I could have it so good.

Again, I pray for healing.  I want to live my fifty more years.  God, just when I think you have lost my number, you drop in a banquet.

I am amazed at the way you treasure me.  Please treasure me by taking away my disease!!!!

Amen

13

Father, don’t let me go downhill now!!  My head has changed, my heart has been restored, my body has tasted healing.  Now I face the prospect of losing so much more.

I am so passionate about life and my love.  Please, please, please step in to extend my days to years, and my years to a full life.

Never have I wanted to be alive as much as now.

Please.

12

Father, please not again, not now.

This rib that aches in my side, aches more than my side.  It aches my entire existence.  It threatens to turn my life upside-down again, and I cannot face it, I fear I will lose this battle this time around.  My mind is not ready for it, my heart desires to love in life.  I want to see my nieces and nephews grow.  I want to have my own children.  I want to get the dreams out of my head and into reality.  I don’t want to cause any more angst, worry, grief or concern.

This break has been good, really good.  I am thankful, but I would dearly love more, to dearly love more.

11

Father, you know what is heavy on my heart right now – well, you know them both.  I know I am not ready for another fight.  I will crumble if that is what lies ahead.  I will crumble swiftly, as few understand how physically difficult existence is at the moment.  I pray you’ll take the pain away.  My body is not functioning, please heal it totally.  I can only hope that the constant pain is my body healing, bones regrowing, weaknesses strengthening.

If this heaviness has merit, the second heaviness doesn’t matter anyway.

10

Father,

That deluge of rain yesterday was amazing.  I loved it.  The smell, the powerful thunder, just how it went on and on.  It made me feel alive and excited to be alive.  I feel like I am in your presence when it rains powerfully like that.

I thank you for your changing my mind.  I pray it will keep on changing.

9

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Father, I have to believe that things will get better than this.

Amen

(This was my prayer tonight walking back from a gig. I wasn’t praying about the music, I was repeating this statement all the way home in reference to my future.  I have to believe that things will get better than this, there is no alternative)

8

Father,

You are very polarized to me at the moment.  You do great things for me, and they seem dramatic, often extreme, and undeniable.  Then you come across most of the time as holding back on me, well, holding back on a lot of people really.  A lot of people want you to step in to their situation just as much as I want you to step into mine.

You could heal me right now.  I believe you have the power to, I think that you want to see me healed, I know that you know my confusion whether I want to hang around or not.  I am not sure if I want to be healed.  I know that if I am not healed, life has to get a damn-sight better if I am going to want to hang around.  I am doing my best to change my thinking to be more positive, and making better life decisions, but you have your responsibilities too don’t you?  Promises to come good on?  My opinion, don’t let them talk about healing so much in the bible when it happens so infrequently – considering how much it doesn’t happen.  I say these things, I admit, with limited understanding.

And the ‘hope we have in Christ”.  I don’t think this is meant to be reserved for when we die.  I think that hope should be rampant in our day to day living.  Hope for healing, hope for restoration, hope for people’s minds, hearts and bodies to be hit hard by your compassion and healing.  It happens, no doubt – I have seen it, heard about it and know it to be true.  But you know that every day it doesn’t happen to me it just reenforces my thinking that I am not worthy enough to receive it.  I know it goes against my head knowledge, and I do a lot to talk myself out of this thinking, but at the end of the day, there must be some reason you are holding back, and unless you change my circumstance by the end of the year, or my thinking, it is going to be a sad year.  I have had enough of those you know.  Just give me one freakin year where sadness is not the main emotion. No dammit, give me 40!  You can!  Why don’t you?

Otherwise this Velcade, both the drug and the expense is wasted.  I die without it within a month or two, and with it, I live but with the underlying sadness that is more a part of me than anything else it would seem.  Each day I need to decide to live, even when death seems like the most peaceful, wise, loving option.  I sound like I am about to put down an injured farm animal.

So forgive me for not valuing this life you gave.  It has sucked a lot of the time, and I have it good compared to a lot in this world – I have it very good.  It is just that it is so difficult to see when I feel this way physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, vocationally, everything elsally.

I’ve looked forward to so many things all my life, waited in good faith for them. Waited on you.  Some things have turned up, but generally I have wondered where you have been.  I even wish you would give me as much attention as I give you.  There would be hardly a waking hour when I am not talking with you, much to the entertainment of passers by on the street I would think.

Then I feel like I am the dumbass for wasting so much time trying to honour you in my decisions, yet having the decisions fly back in my face.  I feel like I have wasted this life, and now I feel a pressure to do as much as I can in the year that I think I have.  If I thought I found decisions difficult before, you should try making life decisions when life is apparently 12 months.  A fetal elephant gets almost double that!  My hip replacement should last 20 years- the body it is in owes it something, does it not?

Anyway, that is it for tonight Father.  I just want you to heal me.  I have had more than enough.  Continual dying is driving me insane and occupies too much of my living time.  I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, I think that is bollocks.  But if this is happening for a reason, I am still not necessarily seeing it at this point.  Sure you have redeemed many aspects of my situation, but the final one would be complete healing.  I am sure that would be more worth it for everyone to see and hear about.  Imagine that.

Amen.

7

Father,

Is it you or me who is dragging this out?  I feel like my life has been wasted because I have waited for things that I considered precious, and they never came.  I thought that I was trusting you all those years growing up, and now – nothing – I have less now than what I ever had and each day is a difficult battle.  I hang on, because I think you may change the situation.  You might heal me physically, you might heal emotionally.  But then again, you might not.

And you could have healed me by now, yet you have chosen not to.  Here’s me, trying desperately to stay alive because I think that there might be resolution and restoration in my life, but I am accepting the possibility that wont happen.  So why try?  Yes my family and friends are worth every effort, but my ability to enjoy relationships is marred so much by the way I feel.

I was so excited last night thinking over some great ideas of how to spend my time for this year.  I thought the ideas were from you – an encouragement to live.  Now, I can hardly move my body off the bed.  My body feels like it is shutting down.  I can’t go on like this.  It has been two and a half years of getting inspired, hopeful and positive, only to be knocked down again.  I have had enough.

There had better be something good coming up soon.  To know you are with me is not enough.  You need to come good on your promises.